“I take self-love very seriously. And I take it seriously because when I was younger, I wanted to change everything about myself… I didn’t love who I was. And the reason I didn’t love who I was is because I was told I wasn’t lovable by the media, by [people at] school, by not seeing myself in beauty ads, by not seeing myself on television…by lack of representation. My self-hatred got so bad that I was fantasising about being other people. But you can’t live your life trying to be somebody else. What’s the point?”
These are the words of artist and ‘self-love queen’ Lizzo in an interview she did where she gives insight into her journey to self love.
She narrates that her journey started from a place of self hatred, influenced by the opinions of others who indicated that she was somehow ‘less than’ because of her body size, her skin tone and even her musical gifts not matching up to the standard of perceived beauty and success. This is something most women and girls can relate to. The world is constantly telling us what success really looks like for us and what is considered beautiful.
So it’s not surprising that many women and girls might find comfort in her words. In fact I can relate to and even affirm some of what she says in general. Lizzo openly talks about her own struggles with her mental health and shares the importance of positively caring for our mental health which is helpful. She is also in some ways a champion of being comfortable in your own skin, and of course from a Christian perspective, seeing our bodies as good is something we can affirm when we understand what it means to be made in God’s image.
But the message of self-love is not the answer. On the surface, the self-love gospel promises liberation. It sounds amazing and empowering, especially to a good tune. But the more I look at the fruit of it, the more I realise that it actually fails to deliver on that. I have touched on some of this in discussions on self love and self esteem from a Christian perspective, but I want to expand on some of that with a few more thoughts on why the self-love gospel does not work.
It doesn’t deal with the root of the problem
Lizzo highlights what she thinks was the problem when she had a low view of self – other people. Because she allowed her worth to be determined by other people, she was in effect allowing them to control her. She depended on other people for value and meaning and it led to self-hatred when those voices did not provide validation and affirmation of who she was. So in the absence of the validation of others, self-love is seen as the solution. If other people will not affirm you, then you need to do it yourself.
But the root of the problem is not other people, rather it is ourselves, and our need for validation and affirmation in the first place. Ed Welch highlights this in his book ‘When people are big and God is small’. He points out that instead of “How can I feel better about myself and not be controlled by what people think?” a better question is “Why am I so concerned about self-esteem?” or “Why do I need to have someone-even-Jesus think that I am great?”1 It is a telling question because it highlights something about human nature that none of us are immune to. The bible calls it pride.
We are by nature so preoccupied with ourselves that we look for validation, wherever we can find it, in order to bring glory to ourselves. And the self-love gospel feeds into this by providing an alternative source of validation, perhaps one that is seen as more dependable, the self. But how does that work in practice?
It promotes the God of self
For self-love to work, you need to dig deep within yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. In the self-love gospel, you are the saviour of you. This view of humanity as containing power is popular and marks a lot of New Age teaching which influences much of society. In New Age thought we are god in disguise, we contain knowledge, power and truth that are just waiting to be unlocked2. This is called idolatry. It is the desire to be more than what we are (limited human beings) and the desire to be like God.
We see how this relates to self-love. It assumes that we are ultimately the source of love which relies on the humanist assumption of human goodness. But the bible reminds us that we are not inherently good (Romans 3:10-12), and love does not come from us but from God in whose image we are made (1 John 4:16). God IS love, that is his very nature, we see this union of love within the Godhead (John 17:24) Father, Son and Spirit. A love that overflows as he creates human beings that bear his image. And this love is pure, good and self-giving (1 John 3:16).
Self-love elevates the self to the place that only God occupies and tries to offer a love from within that only God can ultimately provide. And the ‘self’ makes a terrible god, primarily because it is not God. The self-love gospel therefore fails to deliver because it cannot. How do I know? Notice what you have to do to make it work.
It is a salvation by works
I came across this article that google suggested may be of interest to me (you know me so well, google). The article suggests different ways of learning to love yourself. And the first thing I noticed is the superficial nature of the list; when you dig deeper you are left still depending on something else to find worth and meaning. The author suggests things like focusing on the positive and cultivating your talents. She even suggests valuing your body for what it does.
Pursuing self-love here looks like focusing on things that you or society values, just changing the goalposts. So rather than looking at your body and focusing on what it looks like, she advises that you should look at it and focus on what it can do. So you are still measuring your worth by your body, just in a different way.
This article is just one example, I have read my fair share of these articles and the message is always the same: do x, y and z. For something that promises liberation, self-love actually leads to bondage. It places all the pressure on you to recreate yourself, your worth and your value, and our finite limited selves simply cannot cope. It is exhausting!
It is an endless struggle with no final end
You get to where you need to be with self-love by trying harder, and that’s what I find so sad about it. This Twitter exchange sums it up.
What is the message for the person trying to love themselves but inevitably falling short? It’s all up to you! Try harder! Keep going! You won’t actually ever arrive at your destination, but just keep going. It’s a trade of bondage to which God asks:
“Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labour for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food.” Isaiah 55:2
The God who is love, who made us in his image offers us rest and satisfaction in him, but in our pride we trade this for an empty love that does not fulfil and for which we need to tirelessly labour.
Liberated by the gospel
But the gospel points to the heart of the issue and reminds us firstly that we are not the centre of the universe, Christ is. That might sound like an odd thing to say in response to this, but the fact that we are not the centre of the universe is actually good news.
It liberates us from an endless preoccupation with ourselves, our looks and our achievements. It liberates us from our self obsession which is ultimately disguised pride. It points us not to within ourselves (Jeremiah 17:9) but to Christ who through his death on the cross for us has dealt with our pride and our shame.
This is not something we earn by trying harder but it is given by God’s grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9). He has also given us the Holy Spirit who enables us to live selfless lives, not for our own fulfillment and glory, but Christ’s, which is ultimately what we were made for (Colossians 1:16).
And rather than placing our confidence in our looks, achievements or any of the listed things in these self-love articles, we place our confidence in Christ and his finished work on the cross (Philippians 3:3, 7-8). Jesus says it’s done! There are no ‘ten ways to achieve’ anything to give you worth, meaning and value, and there is no striving to find yourself or create your identity. Your identity is in Christ, it is freely given to you by grace because you are in Christ (1 Peter 2:9).
If you are Christian, the gospel brings what Tim Keller calls the freedom of self-forgetfulness, which is freedom from self-occupation and endless striving to a rest found in Christ (Matthew 11:28-30). And there is an end goal in mind, we have the hope that we will in fact be fully glorified one day, free from struggle, free from shame, free from pride and free to be fully what we were made for without the burden of sin (1 John 3:2). I rejoice at this hope, and it is my prayer that Lizzo and many that find comfort in the self-love gospel will find real freedom, hope and assurance in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
1. When people are big and God is small - Ed T. Welch, p19 2. Unmasking the new age - Douglas R. Groothius, p21
Recommended reading
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness – Tim Keller
When People are Big and God is Small – Ed Welch
