I can’t remember a darker time in my life than the end of 2020 (and I know I’m not alone in that realization). I had gone back for a visit to the States in an attempt to combat some of the depression and anxiety that had been growing like black mould in my brain. After a week and a half stateside, it was clear that I was not well enough to travel back to Scotland, where I’d have to be quarantined (alone in London) for two weeks before staring down the barrel of a nationwide post-Christmas lockdown that had no clear end.
I was still a part of the core leadership team for a church in Scotland — on a different continent (five timezones away) — and at the same time, I was attempting to reach out to community where I was in Ohio, a cultural environment that was dealing with Covid in an EXTREMELY different manner than the Scottish people, with whom I had been journeying through this global pandemic so far.
I was totally overwhelmed as the mould kept spreading over my mind, my heart, my body, and my hope for the future.
And from that place, I cried out to God, “How am I supposed to help lead a church if I can’t even get out of my bed?”
And I felt like God responded, “Lead from your bed.”
You see, just like Paul, I was pleading with God to take away my weakness. I wanted Him to make me strong again so I could lead from a place of confidence in my own experience and decision making. And, just like Paul, God reminded me that it’s not about me being strong…it’s about Him being strong.
[2 Corinthians 12:7-10]
…Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Now, I don’t know what kind of thorn Paul was dealing with, but with my depression, I was extremely hindered in what I could do and how much I could accomplish. But I can see the way God was strengthening my faith and my understanding of the nature of His love and desire for me: I offered what I had. Even if all I could do that day was raise up my hands off my mattress as an act of worship, God was honored. And even if I couldn’t do that, my very existence glorified the One who created me.
And as I submitted what I had, I was blessed to see the fruit of leading from my weakness. By being open about what I was struggling with, stepping out to be the first one to say: I’m not okay, others came forward alongside me and we started an open conversation about mental health and got to journey together toward Jesus and intercede for each other in prayer.
It is right and good to grow, mature, study, and understand to new depths, but no matter how many things I accomplish or achieve, I am still completely dependent on God. Anything that is good about me or anything effective in my work is only because of God’s Grace and Power at work in and through me. My own accomplishments are not the reason God works through me and allows me to lead. It is His power made perfect through the life I live in Christ.I am trying to continue leading from my bed, even as my mental health is in a stable place. What God is truly teaching me is: Be humble. Humility comes from a right understanding of who God is and who we are in light of that. He is the Creator of the entire universe. He is all powerful, all-present, and all-knowing. And, mercifully, I am not. Therefore, I can confidently put all of my hope and confidence in Him, the One who has always been and always will be.
